A Lifetime in Your Words
by ilovetvalot
Summary: Written in response to Kavi Leighanna & Sienna27's TV Prompt Challenge The West Wing "Talking Points". One night of passion leads to countless days of grief and regret.
1. Chapter 1

**A Lifetime in Your Words**

**Chapter One**

_**Prompt: The West Wing – "Talking Points"**_

Sitting on his back deck, heavy glass of scotch in hand, David Rossi took a deep breath, drawing the crisp cool autumn air into his lungs. He needed to get a grip…gain some perspective. And he needed to do it fast. Because she was coming. And in order for him to gain what he wanted, he knew, he was going to need to be at the top of his game.

Lifting the tumbler to his lips, he took a steady sip, allowing the liquor to slide down his throat, enjoying the slight burn. It let him know he was alive. That he could still feel. Even after…

Hell, it had been madness to begin with, hadn't it? He never should have touched her three months ago. He hadn't had the right. She'd been involved with Will. She'd been involved with her baby's father. Damn it…he'd fucked with an entire family. He'd tried to justify to himself what they'd done…she had said that she and LaMontagne were separating. It wasn't adultery, was it? Not when the relationship was already fizzling. It didn't change anything though…after a particularly brutal case and one too many glasses of wine in the hotel bar, he'd done the unthinkable.

He'd pressed the advantage. Used her lonely, weakened state against her. Not deliberately. But he'd done it, nevertheless, just like the callous bastard he'd always been. Except this time, in the aftermath, as he'd watched her blue eyes realize the enormity of what she'd done with him and watched as something shattered within her, he'd felt something other than the usual numbness associated with his former conquests. He'd felt ashamed. Because Jennifer Jareau wasn't just another notch in his bedpost. And he knew it.

He was in love with her.

For three months since, they'd walked on eggshells around each other. Stilted conversations. Stolen gazes. While what was left of her relationship with William LaMontagne had dissolved, he'd kept his distance, exchanging only the most generic of pleasantries with her, his only desire to make things easier for her... And only when absolutely necessary. Because he knew, his presence hurt her. The guilt of an affair was a heavy weight. He knew that from past experience.

He knew Jennifer had confessed their liaison to LaMontagne. He understood JJ's honor code wouldn't have allowed her to do anything else, whether their relationship was over or not. She'd never have been able to tolerate the deceit. He had seen the burning knowledge in the other man's eyes the day he'd delivered their son to her his last day in D.C. The hatred. Too bad, LaMontagne couldn't hate him anymore than he hated himself. Not for loving Jennifer…that was a deeply piercing inevitability that he'd accepted months ago. No, he hated himself for dragging her down to his level. In his eyes, he'd made her hate herself. And that was a cold truth that still woke him up at night.

But just as their work day had ended today, out of the blue, he'd heard a light knock on his door. When he'd looked up from the files he'd tried to bury himself in, he'd found her beloved blue eyes shining at him, swimming with tears. And that had been enough to very nearly send him to his knees, her obvious pain more than he could bear. She'd asked if they could talk…somewhere else…away from the prying eyes and ears of the Bureau. When he'd suggested the seclusion of Little Creek, she had readily nodded, willing to accept whatever location he chose. She'd said to expect her around seven, and he had thought then that the chosen hour seemed an eternity away. But now, at 6:45, only fifteen minutes before she would darken his doorstep, here he sat, alone and terrified of what was coming. His growing fear clawed at his gut, eating at the very foundation of his being. Had he ruined them before they'd even been given the opportunity to begin?

The soft whistle of the wind wrapping around the house barely even invaded his consciousness as his mind stayed on the subject at hand. Thinking back to the way her pale face had clenched while she'd forced herself to talk to him, he wondered briefly if he should just quit the Bureau. It might end the torture for both of them, stop the prolonged agony of having to relive moments they could never have again. He'd done what he set out to do in coming back, quietened the spirits from his past. Smiling grimly as he took another pull from his glass, he recognized that he'd traded one demon for another. And this one was a hell of a lot darker and deviant. This one not only blackened his soul, but his heart as well.

Hearing the crunch of gravel in the driveway, he steeled himself for the coming attractions. Either way, he'd know by the end of this night where he stood with the beautiful woman climbing out of her car. But whether he'd remain standing when she was gone was another question altogether.


	2. Chapter 2

**A Lifetime in Your Words**

**Chapter Two**

Lifting a trembling hand to push her long blonde hair from her face as she steered her vehicle down the winding road, JJ reminded her doubting mind that this had been her idea. Well, that wasn't entirely true. It had actually been Emily and Garcia's idea…but still, she'd instigated this meeting. And she had to see it through in spite of her heart's trepidation.

She'd had to…this limbo she was living in was killing her. It had been three months, for God's sake. Three months and he hadn't made one move toward her. Not that she could necessarily blame him, now that she thought about it. She hadn't exactly been putting out "come hither" vibes. Because the mighty Jennifer Jareau had tumbled off her lofty perch of morality…and into the arms of the best known Lothario in the FBI. David Rossi.

She supposed she was being unfair. Since his return to the BAU, David Rossi had been tame as a kitten, never straying from the straight and narrow. She'd been watching. She could still remember him hoarsely muttering against her lips how long it had been since he'd made love to a woman. She wanted to believe him. Desperately. But, he was a handsome, popular, well known man. And as far as she knew at the moment, she was one in a long line of women that had filled his bed. God, what he must think of her…another faithless woman.

How could he see her any differently? That was how she saw herself, after all. She might not have technically cheated on Will, but she'd still hurt him. She might no longer love him, but she had never wanted to cause him pain. A mere day after ending things with him, she'd ended up in David Rossi's bed. What kind of woman did that make her?

It didn't matter that she'd been falling in love with the older man since his return to the unit. It didn't matter that she'd wanted him with a passion she'd never experienced before. It didn't matter that from the moment his lips had touched hers, coherent thought had been impossible. Not that she hadn't wanted to think; in those stolen moments just feeling had been more than enough. And oh, how David Rossi had made her feel, with every fiber of her being.

Following their night together, she'd initially tried to tell herself that she'd been seduced. That she couldn't have possibly been responsible for her own impulsive actions. But that was a lie. There was no seduction that night…only wanton need and desire. Which he'd satiated…satisfying her repeatedly, with finesse and passion. No, she'd been in full possession of her faculties. She'd known what she was doing…she just hadn't cared at the time.

That had come later. When she realized that she'd betrayed her own carefully guarded set of values. When she realized that not only did her son's father think she had acted the part of David Rossi's whore of the moment, but David, as well, must think her character questionable.

He'd been kind these last months. Carefully kind and extremely distant. He went out of his way to avoid her, obviously taking great pains to keep their circles from overlapping…and she had no idea how he felt about her anymore. His actions would indicate that he didn't think much of her at all. At least, that's what she had thought until Emily and Garcia had visited her office this afternoon.

After confiding the entire sordid story to them, her friends had been extraordinarily supportive. They'd tried to reassure her. And both had suggested that it was time to bite the bullet and discuss the issue with the older profiler. Knowing the truth had to be better than imagining the worst, didn't it?

Now, as she angled her car down his gravel driveway, pebbles pinging her undercarriage, she questioned herself again. Could she do this? Could she face the man she'd slept with? As she saw his large body at the edge of the deck, watching her, she realized she no longer had a choice.

Parking at the edge of the drive, she forced herself to kill the ignition, telling herself that that she had made it this far. But now that she was here, she wondered if she had the mental fortitude to see this entire scene through to the end. Biting the inside of her jaw, she almost relished the momentary pain that drew her back to the present. Drawing in a stabilizing breath, she pushed open her door, letting her feet take control when her mind still seemed to be in a fog.


	3. Chapter 3

**A Lifetime in Your Words**

**Chapter Three**

Pausing at the bottom step of the wooden staircase leading up to the deck and the man that had monopolized her thoughts for months, JJ felt an overwhelming urge to run. Run from the pain, run from what she felt for the complicated man standing above her…but mostly she wanted to run from herself. But, she couldn't. Not anymore. This reckoning had already been three months in the making; it was time to be brave.

"You look scared, Jen," Dave said quietly from above, his eyes taking in the hunched set of her shoulders, the press of her lips. Shaking his head, he asked, softly, "Surely you don't think I pose a danger to you."

Only to my psyche, JJ mentally groaned. Looking up, she shook her head, eyeing him warily. The nip of the wind seemed to seep through her light sweatshirt, compounding the chill creeping up her spine. She had no idea how to approach this. How to begin what was sure to be a wrenching conversation. "Not scared," she returned softly, slowly climbing the steps, forcing one foot in front of the other. "More like uncertain."

"That makes two of us," he murmured under his breath as she drew closer, her tiny steps barely making a creak on the aged wooden planks. Taking a deep breath, he drained the last of his scotch from the glass. He was fairly certain from the set of her face that he'd need the fortification.

Dropping the glass back on the table beside the deck chair, he asked, "Can I get you a drink, Jen?" Wincing as he realized that was exactly the question he'd asked her three months ago, contributing heavily to leading them to this very point, he quickly added, "I can make coffee."

Shaking her head, JJ remained silent, simply watching his face, searching for some sign in his dark eyes that he might, just might, have some feeling for her. But his patented non-committal stare gave away nothing, causing her heart to drop just another notch.

"Would you rather sit out here or go inside?" Dave asked softly, watching her face, looking for a flash or glimpse of something, anything.

Wrapping her arms around her sweatshirt clad torso, JJ shivered slightly as the wind blew again. "It's sort of cool out here. Would you mind if I came inside?" JJ asked hopefully, glancing toward the wooden screen door, the soft glimmer of flames evident in the stone fireplace. She knew that she was going to need everything possible in her favor, including the setting, for this coming conversation.

"Of course not," he said gently, noticing her nervousness as she shifted on her feet. "Come on, Jen," he urged, placing a gentle hand at her back as he guided her toward the back door. Forcing himself to keep his touch light, he couldn't help but take a small bit of joy in this forbidden touch, especially after his recent restraint. Following her into the kitchen, he continued, "You know the way to the great room. Go get settled. I'll bring us in some coffee."

Nodding wordlessly, JJ quickly hurried toward the arched doorway, aiming toward the heat source. God, she had to pull herself together. Even though she knew it would be uncomfortable to have this conversation with him, she hadn't thought she'd react like this. For someone who prided herself on maintaining a cool public persona, of being confident and able in every situation, she suddenly found herself feeling vulnerable, exposed and out of her depth. For heaven's sake, she reminded herself sharply, the man had already seen all there was to see of her.

Following her movement with his eyes as she all but scampered out of the room, Dave sighed. Damn it. He really had made a mess out of this…for both of them. Silently pouring two mugs of coffee, he mindlessly added the creamer and sweet & low that he knew she preferred to one. Grabbing the heated ceramic handles, he slowly followed her to the den.

Moments later, he placed a mug on the table in front of her as he watched her perch on the edge of the long sofa against the north window, staring at the fire burning in the fireplace. The flickering flames reflected in her troubled blue eyes, highlighting the dark shadows that he was just now noticing. Placing his mug beside hers, he took the other end of the couch, leaving a cushion between them.

Leaving her to her silent contemplation for several minutes, Dave finally decided to break the ice as the firewood popped in the grate. Keeping his voice low, not wanting to push her beyond her comfort zone, he said, "Jen, tell me what you wanted to talk about tonight, honey."

Heart clenching at his casual endearment, JJ grimaced as she stared down at her clasped hands in her lap. Drawing a deep breath, she reminded herself that she asked for this meeting, although she was beginning to regret that very thing. Staring straight ahead, she whispered, "I don't know where to start."

Hearing the pain lacing her voice, he felt his heart crack. She sounded so…broken. And he'd done that to her. To the woman he loved. He had made a vibrant, beautiful woman into a shell of herself, and he would do anything to do anything to bring her back. "Why don't I start?" he asked gently.

Feeling the vice around her chest start to loosen slightly at his words, she nodded slowly, still not looking at him. She couldn't bear to see pity in his gaze, or worse yet, revulsion.

"I need you to know that I'm so sorry for taking advantage of you, Jennifer. I've always been attracted to you and in the moment, I let things go too far. I should have waited until you were over Will." Sighing as he shook his head, he added, "I should have done a lot of things differently."


	4. Chapter 4

**A Lifetime In Your Words**

**Chapter Four**

No matter what she had been expecting, she had never thought she would hear those words from his mouth. Turning her head sharply to look at him with widened eyes, she asked, surprise coloring her words, "You're taking the blame?"

"What?" he asked, honestly confused as he easily recognized the shock flashing in her eyes. "Of course I am, JJ. Honey, you were drunk…I should never have…"

"I wasn't drunk," JJ said flatly, her lips pressed together as she shook her head, long blonde hair falling over one shoulder. "I was…I wanted…I'd had feelings for you for awhile. But I should never have done anything about them until it was completely over with Will. Afterwards…the guilt…" she said, stumbling over her words. Finally, she blurted out, baldly, "I felt like a faithless slut."

"Stop!" Dave ordered, his voice harsh in the still room, his head spinning with the discovery that he hadn't been the only one harboring deep feelings for the other. But how could this amazing woman think such a horrible thing about herself? Snapping, he added, his anger at the thought seeping out, "Don't you ever say that about yourself again."

"It's how I felt," JJ whispered, shrugging as she dismissed his command. How could she make him understand that she had failed at the very thing she held dear? "It's what Will called me when I confessed…I had to…the day we came home. He'd met me at the apartment. He wanted to try again for Henry's sake. I was almost relieved to have a reason not to try. And that made the guilt even worse," she muttered, tears welling in the corners of her baby blues, overflowing before she could stop them. Damn! She had told herself that she would be strong, that she would maintain control.

"JJ," Dave whispered, despising the tears he saw running down her cheeks as she quickly wiped them away. Damn Lamontagne! Righteous anger or not, he might still find the man and beat the hell out of him for that remark. No one, absolutely no one, had the right to say that to his Jennifer.

"And then, I didn't know how to handle you. You were so polite…but you acted like you couldn't stand to look at me," JJ said, her breath hitching as she forced herself to continue, to complete her mission. But the memories of those days seemed to be worse than before, her heart pounding as she felt those old feelings invade her once again.

Closing his eyes against his own stupidity, at the obvious pain he had caused her, Dave replied hoarsely, "I was trying to make things easier on you. I thought you blamed me. If I'd known I was hurting you even worse…" Swallowing, Dave ran a shaking hand over his face before turning to look at JJ, her hunched shoulders telegraphing her obvious hurt. Scooting closer, he whispered, tenderly, "JJ, look at me."

Waiting several seconds to regain control over her flooding emotions, she finally lifted her head, turning her face towards his. Assuring himself that he had her full attention, he said forcefully as he stared into those wet blue eyes, "None of this was your fault. It isn't your fault that Will and you didn't work out. It's not your fault that I've acted like a jackass for the last three months. It's not your fault, Jen. The last thing you are, sweetheart, is a faithless anything."

Hearing another endearment come from his mouth suddenly caused another phrase to come to her mind. Biting her lower lip, she remembered the translation Emily had given her for what he'd said to her that long ago night, his Italian words burned into her memory. "I looked up what you said to me that night. In Italian," JJ whispered. "Te amo, cara mia," she repeated slowly, parroting his words exactly. "Did you mean it?" she asked shakily, searching his darkened orbs for the truth.

"I'm not good enough for you," Dave answered evasively, tensing as he realized she had heard, and remembered, his murmured confession. "I've put you through hell," he whispered, not trusting his voice any longer. Good God, he didn't deserve this beautiful woman – not after everything he'd put her through. He most certain didn't deserve her love.

"Did you mean it?" JJ asked more forcefully, shifting an inch closer as she sought to regain ground she thought had been lost. Pressing her hands against her tensed legs, she dug her fingers in. "Damn it, Dave. I miss my friend. I've missed him for three months. We never lied to each other before this. Don't you think I have a right to know if you meant it?" JJ pleaded.

"You think I haven't missed you?" Dave asked plaintively, trying to keep his voice even as he bared his soul, a rare occurrence for him. "That every day I didn't feel you drifting further and further away from me. I stayed away for you, babe. Not because I was disgusted. Not because I was angry." Sighing, he continued, clenching his fist as his side. "But because I'm ashamed of what I did to you, honey. I took advantage of my vulnerable friend. Somebody I cared about. Somebody I lo-" he said on an agonized whisper, stopping abruptly as he realized just how much he was giving away.

"Someone you loved," JJ whispered, finishing his thought for him as she fought the urge to close the final inches between them. "That's what you told me in Italian that night. I'm right, aren't I? I didn't imagine it, did I?"

"I don't want to hurt you, cara," Dave muttered, dropping his head as he slammed his eyes shut. "I've already done enough of that for a lifetime."

"Then tell me the truth!" JJ insisted, almost demanded. Shaking her head, she suddenly wondered if she had misread him, misread the entire situation. "Or now that you've had me once, was that enough for you?" she asked brokenly, emotion clogging her voice as she grabbed for words. "Is that it? Did you get your fill, Rossi?" JJ asked painfully.

"Goddamn it, no!" Dave said angrily, rising in a jerk as he avoided looking at her. God only knew, if he set eyes on her, he might not be able to stop himself. Pacing away from her, his footsteps falling heavy on the wooden planks of the floor, he shook his head violently. "No, it wasn't enough! It was the single most powerful encounter of my life, Jennifer. So, no, once wasn't enough and I could never get my fill. You want the truth? Yes! I told you I loved you that night. I meant it then and I still mean it now!"

Wiping her eyes as his loud words bounced off the vaulted ceiling and into her heart, JJ whispered, "Then, why? Why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought you hated me, cara," Dave said his voice breaking as he forced himself to turn to her, the sound of tears in her voice too much too ignore.

"I hated myself for hurting an innocent person," JJ said softly, staring across the room at him, trying to memorize every detail in his expression, in this moment. His eyes seemed to bore into her, seemed to connect to her soul, drawing her to him with an invisible cord.

"So do I," Dave said simply, staring back at her, trying to decipher the unreadable expression covering her delicate face. "I hurt the most special woman I've ever known. I hurt you."

"You really love me?" JJ asked shakily, needing reassurance, reinforcements, even as she saw the stark honesty shining in his eyes.

"More than anything," he confirmed softly, wanting to assure her of his faithfulness, even though he was certain it would be one-sided. But he was willing to settle for living in the suburbs of her affection, just to be close to her. "I know you don't feel the same way and-"

"You're wrong," she said emphatically, interrupting him again as she raised an eyebrow, taking the first tentative step toward him, toward their future.

"What did you say?" Dave asked narrowing his eyes on her, unwilling to believe what he'd heard spill from her lips. Had his ears just deceived him? Was he hearing what he wanted to hear, imagining things that just couldn't be true?

"You heard me. I said you were wrong." Pausing, she wrapped her arms around herself, needing to protect her heart for this final admission. "Do you know how awful it is to be with one person…a good person…and be completely in love with someone else? Because I do," she confessed softly.

"Jesus, Jennifer," Dave gasped, bracing himself against the wall as the impact of her words hit him, more forcefully than a physical attack, his knees almost buckling. At fifty-four years old, he never had felt this way about a woman before, and to know that she felt the same….

"Now, maybe you can understand why I felt so guilty," she whispered, hazarding a glance at him again as she suddenly gave into the need to sit, knowing that she couldn't bear her own weight any longer. The couch caught her as she sank into the soft leather. "Will deserved something better than a woman in love with another man…even if she was the mother of his child."

"YOU deserve something better," Dave murmured, slowly crossing the room to kneel in front of her, surrounding her shaking hands with his. The mere feel of her skin against his brought memories flashing through his mind, but this time, he knew that he wasn't going to lose her. He had found her and intended on keeping her, everyone and everything else be damned.

"Then help me find it," JJ ordered softly, staring into his dark eyes as his lips descended, drawing her to him, connecting their bodies as their souls melded once again.

"I think we already did," Dave breathed against her lips, as he admitted to himself that sometimes dreams really did come true.

_**finis**_


End file.
